last week i was at the hospital for longer than i would've wanted to be. i've been really sick so i had to be there. and i've been given so much medication, had so many IV's on me for days and even an oxygen mask, and i had to take so many tests - they destroyed my body. i still can't walk properly, let alone sit because that takes so much effort and i can't sit still for more than 10 minutes because i start to feel too much pain. all those spinal tap tests completely messed me up. part of me regrets taking them because the doctors still don't know what is wrong with me, even after they made me take every freaking test ever invented. it's really amazing.

sometimes i feel like i keep getting sicker each day and not better. but that shouldn't really be a surprise considering that no doctor knows what is wrong with me so perhaps they're prescribing the wrong medication, because it's not helping at all. and it really really feels like the hospital has become my best friend again, as do these constant headaches. but on top of it all, i lost one of my good friends on thursday, the same day that i was taken at the hospital unconscious. he was one of the best people i ever had the pleasure of meeting and now he's gone. i miss him. everyone misses him. but maybe he was just too good for this planet.

i'm trying my hardest not to let everything bring me down but it's so hard. i'm going through one of the worst times of my life. but i really am trying... and the only reason i'm still around is because of everyone who cares enough to be there for me. i don't know how if i'll ever be able to repay everyone that has been there for me. but i hope they do know that they're the only reason i'm not giving up. that they're the reason why i'll never give up. i know i'll be okay soon, and i can't wait. i'm looking forward to it. especially now that spring has come. i love spring and i want to be out there to enjoy it.

ps: i love stephanie. she's the most beautiful (inside out) person ever.

mixtapes and memories